If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I’m not stressed
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.