1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
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People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
that lip filler tho
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.