Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
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God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”