“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
*watches the world burn*
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Yeah. This was me today.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
need him
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey