[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
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School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies