Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
You Might Also Like
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
this country is so goddamn polarized
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.