If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands