It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
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I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.