Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
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Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
#oldknees
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️