If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
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Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
There is wisdom there.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
When can I start eating bats again.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet