6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
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7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Finally, a door that understands me
They’re the worst 😩
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion