The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
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The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Not all heroes wear capes…
When he asks for feet pics
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?