WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Is Mercury still in the microwave?