If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
You Might Also Like
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Sing it!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant