*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
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As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours