I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
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can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video