I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
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Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.