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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Software Development ⛵️
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
“Sheer Arrogance”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.