I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
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Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Me My dog
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’