[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
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The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.