“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.