13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
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I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.