“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.