Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
You Might Also Like
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke