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learning is so boring unless itβs gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like βomg did you hear about parabolasβ
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, youβre supposed toast the bread first and we canβt just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
me when i see my girls butt
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*β¦
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
βI see youβve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.β
– Khaki pants
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea Iβm not the teacher.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I donβt know whoβs worse, the people who sign their catsβ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
iβm thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
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