Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
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THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Bit chilly again tonight.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.