Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
What personal space?
My dog
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I gave up going to work for lent.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.