That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
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“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up