Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?