hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
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One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
getting old is fun
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.