It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
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God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don鈥檛 break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I鈥檓 too upset to be impressed.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 馃槧
Today: I can’t get groceries. 馃槕
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I鈥檓 not scared of clowns, I鈥檓 scared of the man who chooses to become one.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
It鈥檚 always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Hard not to take this personally