CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
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One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
When someone trying to leave me
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊