Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
*serious situation*
My brain:
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏