netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
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When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
What?!?