“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
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Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.