Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
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Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Cardio Made Easy
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.