website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
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The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
dutch is not a serious language
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.