Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
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*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.