When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
japanese corn
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I mean…but I did