What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Well well well…