Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Me too door. Me too.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.