My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
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I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.