[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?