First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back