Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife