If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
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My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
liiiiiiiiike
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Why is no one talking about this?!
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.