My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
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[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Something Saturday.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
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#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Mouse
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours