Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

💀