My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
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[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.