Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….